Joy Joy, Unspeakable Joy

to be interupted in a game of Settlers of Catan (dont ask) by a phone call reporting the stabbing and shooting of two missionaries is surreal and shaking. for the immediate reaction of all present to circle, join hands, and begin crying out to Father God in intercession is awe-some and real and shaking. As we each cried out for our brother and sister who the enemy had just attempted to take out, the power of GOd filled the room. Jesus stood among us, joined Hand in hand, and His Peace led us down a path, through the darkness and into the great Light of His Father, our Father. There was such power and presence. We released hands and spread throughout the house, attempting to return to our activities, but we stayed united in faith.
I helped make tea, took some photographs of a fabulous maroon stool with a wooden seat top and red paint splatters (pretty much a dream come true for me- this piece of furniture), tried to hold a conversation but couldnt really focus as I couldnt stop my tongues, and then had to excuse myself... I walked calmly to the bathroom and then upon entering exploded into tears... while smiling. my tears, though deserved by the missionaries who had just been attacked, were not of sorrow or fear or sympathy. I was crying over the awe-someness of our GOd.
While trying to be 'normal' after the event and the prayer, I was overcome by Love and Fear of God, Joy and the gift of 'our reality'. As Christians, as Jesus lovers, we are so blessed with a new reality. When darkness comes against us, we are girded with the knowledge of the Blood of the Lamb, that 'He that is in us is greater than he that is in the world'. We have Faith, Truth, Light to outshine all darkness, Hope, the Healer, an awe-some, all mighty, omnipotent God to take care of all the details. Believers from all nations gathered hand in hand in a home in Moshi, Tanzania, praying with the Spirit to the Spirit, shook me.... shoooooooooook me. I am still shaking. There is such power in unity in Him. I want to live my entire life in this reality, shaken by Jesus, standing firm on the solid rock. Power Power Power. His Word, His Heart, His Will. God is in control. He spoke that to me over and over again. I was so impacted by this moment. I didnt want to run away, I wanted to run deep into Him. It put in me a cry to be in the center of the flame, where there is darkness that needs light- Light. Let me be a reflection of Your Light, Lord- in Africa, Asia, Australia, Europe, America America America... Here I am, Lord- send me. Joy Joy Joy- unspeakable- Joy!











.................................................................................
Both the husband and the wife are going to be okay... and eventually great! They sat in their pain for 10 hours. The metavac plane didnt arrive until 7am the next morning. In all that was slow and challenged the rescue, the enemy did not prevail. God's hand completely covered the entire situation. He is in control! Yahoo, He's the Boss- it's not on me to cover it. It's not on you, either! Praise Him for that. Forever praise Him.

PRAY

Hello hearts
A missionary couple who lives here in Moshi was ministering near the Mosai land. they were in their room when they heard screaming and looking out the window saw a man with a machette hitting another man. the wife ran to the door to lock it but wasnt fast enough. three men were forcing the door open. as the husband and wife struggled to keep the men out, the men were swinging a machette through the door, cutting the husband. when they got in, the machette was dropped. the wife ran to pick it up and as she did she was shot once above the heart. the men who took all the money ran away, drunk and totally terrified by what they had just done.
all believers here gathered immediately and began praying God God God into the situation(although, no doubt, He was already there). Missionaries all over Tanzania were called to come into agreement, many driving to the hospital to meet the couple as they arrived.
We believe the report of the Lord and that this couple will live LIVE. He Who is in us is greater than he who is in the world. I am posting this because we need your prayer support and I know the beauty in the hearts of many who read this. You believe and we need that faith here, now. Please lift up the missionaries here in Tanzania, in intercession before our King. Specifically for this husband and wife, who will survive, but are in a lot of pain.... and in an African hospital which is not anything like our American hospitals. Pray that there are no surprise issues. Thank you. God loves you. I love you. love love love.

secret garden

"...who knows but that you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this." For such a time as this. For here. For now. For this very season, month, day, hour. For such a time as this. So this is how I feel... like God, so completely in control- even when He lets me think Im making my own choices- has brought me here for such a time as this. I could have come years ago, as in I could have bought a ticket and packed a bag and flown to this land then, but I wouldnt have been ready... I wouldnt have had in me what I need to really get and give everything that is my purpose here- for such a time as this. I am in Africa! I am. It's real and raw and beautiful. I am in awe... constant awe- of being here, of experiencing God on the level that I am, of Him and His beauty and Grace and Warmth and Love, of His Heart growing inside of me (wild)! Jesus is everything I could ever want. He is romantic and deep and always ready for me with arms wide open. He is intense and jealous for my time, for my heart. He lets me know when and where and for how long! and yes, it's always the right time to sit and talk and snuggle with Jesus, but there are appointed times that He has pre-scheduled for us that He requires I spend with Him... and it's lovely!

I am just one of your everyday, head shoulders knees and toes, nothing special girls (I know, it's hard for some of you to hear me say that... but it's true- Im made of the same stuff as the rest.) My flesh and soul and heart and spirit long for the same things that all girls and boys universe-wide long for. Dwelling within my heart are the names of many. Each is snuggled into a sweet spot somewhere amidst the blood and tissue... and each adds to the quality of my heartbeat. I have been given so much to love Love LOVE... so many hearts, each a gift. Being so far away from them is trying. I get to experience a loniness here that I have been newly introduced to. It's all about feelings and it feels empty and like a great longing for something/someone that is standing on the other side of a great black abyss... smiling!

I used to have this dream... it has repeated itself many times throughout my life. In it I am running and as I run run run, faster and faster and faster into superspeed fastness- like only a superman can do- I, all of a sudden, jump and fly. I have to stay super focused as I fly or I will fail and fall.

Anyway, I want to back far away from the edge of the abyss and then run run run, faster and faster and faster and then jump... and fly over to the smile. However, as I am backing away from the edge, preparing for my run run run, I look around and see an entire brocade of colors- reds, turquoise, orange, greens- wild greens, blues, purples- (I can get so distracted by colors!) and I notice that the colors are painted on these most beautiful flowers and faces and old wooden doors with rusted metal hinges and church buildings and centers for orphans and Safari SUVs (super cool old-school style) and kongas (cloth wraps) and chickens and missionaries... and I have to stop- not even because I choose to, though my will is enganged and my heart strings are enjoying being pulled by a great force of LOVE, but because my King shouts to me that He has placed me here, a stranger in a strange land- for such a time as this!

Now stopped, lead boots on my feet, the colors are alive and dancing around and through me, the sun is hot on my skin, and the great force of Love captures me up with Him and begins to take me on a guided tour of Tanzania. I see centers for children- once orphans now children of God, growing in God. I see my classroom, my blackboard, and my smiling (sometimes not so much) Tanzanian pupils (it's one of our vocab words!) I see them running and playing, about to shoot the soccer ball at my goal- laughing because Miss Cait-a-lin just successfully defended the goal with her face. I see my guesthouse with my small collection of Afican treasures, friend's art (that's prophetic in that I dont have any yet!), my bible-the fire within- and my nearly full sketch pad, and my bed- mosquito net and all. This is my space, my special secret sacred box. I see the church where His Holy Spirit meets me on Sundays to kiss my ears, increase patience within me, and expand my heart. The tour almost complete, Jesus asks me to close my eyes. Gently, He grasps my hand and leads me through a gate. "Dont open your eyes, please. Just trust me." I, fully ennamoured by this God-man, do as He asks and am suddenly overwhelmed with a fragrance like none found on earth. It is the fragrance of His Beauty, Light, Life, and Love- LOVE, Compassion, Empathy, Sorrow, Grace, Mercy, Freedom, Victory. I am faint with Love, a depth of Love I would not have thought possible. I cannot even stand except that Jesus is holding my hand and Strength is transfered from His Spirit to mine. Knowing that I am undone, He bids me to open my hand. I do and in them He places flowers- baby soft petals... an entire wild-flower field of them- one flower to represent each fragrance I encoutered upon entering this secret garden. In my arms, my very weak, rough, dirty, undeserving arms, I hold His Beauty, Light, Life, and Love- LOVE, Compassion, Empathy, Sorrow, Grace, Mercy, Freedom, and Victory. Who is this God? Who is this King? Who is this perfect Lover of my soul who bids me to be His bride?
I burst forth with, seemingly endless well springs of water from within- but it's within Him coming forth out of me. I am ruined. I fall face first into His wild-flower field and am gone. I awake in a puddle on the edge of the abyss. Squinting my eyes, hand held horizontally across my forehead saluting the sun, I search for the smile. You are there... still smiling. The longing to be near you, with you, is not gone, but now it feels almost good. I can embrace it. To hurt because I am away from my heart loves for the sake of recieving a new Heart, His Heart, which I can then better love all of His creation with is the most perfect pain I can feel and the most perfect gift I can give. So no run run run, no fast fast faster, no jump and fly. The thing is, with that, there is the risk and almost guarentee of losing focus, failing and falling into the black abyss because it means willingly stepping off of His path... but with this, this Tanzania, this Jesus adventure planned for me for such as this (delightful pain and all).... well, I wont even presume to know what He has in store, what this mission means for my life. He tells us that eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor has entered into the heart of man, all that God has prepared for those who love Him (who hold Him in affectionate reverence, promptly obeying Him and gratefully recognizing the benefits He has bestowed.) Ill take it... whatever it looks like, whatever it sounds like, however it feels... Ill take it!
I LoVE LOvE LOVe Him
I Love lOVe LOvE you
LOve loVE Love

OrAnge!

To flow with these photographs, recall the "delicate strip of color," butterfly river rescue story from many blogs ago.... I owe you and the butterfly an appology. He is not yellow! but a beautiful brilliant orange!

This is my "Ode to a Butterfly Story" and instead of rerunning that blog, Thomas Wentworth Higginson has silently agreed to illustrate these photographs with his love words to the these delicate strips of color, expressed in his similarly titled, "Ode to a Butterfly." Now remember, each of these shots was taken after Orange!'s terrifying ordeal with the rapids, the human hand, and the torrential winds/rains. Still, he emotes such beauty that one can hardly bear it, but you may find a hair or two out of place or a wing slightly crimped. To us, it seemed more natural this way and so we decided together that we would not photoshop the blemishes out. love love love

Ode to a Butterfly
Thomas Wentworth Higginson

THOU spark of life that wavest wings of gold,
Thou songless wanderer mid the songful birds,
With Nature's secrets in thy tints unrolled
Through gorgeous cipher, past the reach of words,
Yet dear to every child
In glad pursuit beguiled,
Living his unspoiled days mid flowers and flocks and herds!










Thou winged blossom, liberated thing,
What secret tie binds thee to other flowers,
Still held within the garden's fostering?
Will they too soar with the completed hours,
Take flight, and be like thee
Irrevocably free,
Hovering at will o'er their parental bowers?

Or is thy lustre drawn from heavenly hues,--
A sumptuous drifting fragment of the sky,
Caught when the sunset its last glance imbues
With sudden splendor, and the tree-tops high
Grasp that swift blazonry,
Then lend those tints to thee,
On thee to float a few short hours, and die?

Birds have their nests; they rear their eager young,
And flit on errands all the livelong day;
Each fieldmouse keeps the homestead whence it sprung;
Burt thou art Nature's freeman,--free to stray
Unfettered through the wood,
Seeking thine airy food,
The sweetness spiced on every blossomed spray.

The garden one wide banquet spreads for thee,
O daintiest reveller of the joyous earth!
One drop of honey gives satiety;
A second draught would drug thee past all mirth.
Thy feast no orgy shows;
Thy calm eyes never close,
Thou soberest sprite to which the sun gives birth.

And yet the soul of man upon thy wings
Forever soars in aspiration; thou
His emblem of the new career that springs
When death's arrest bids all his spirit bow.
He seeks his hope in thee
Of immortality.
Symbol of life, me with such faith endow!

Beauty from ashes

.....................................................................Mama Sinsia
.....................................................................Beautiful
.....................................................................like, WOW
.....................................................................Beautiful

I was once told that in missions, long term missions, the first three weeks are all "wow" and "look at that", shock and surprise to all the senses. The following three weeks (weeks four, five, and six) are about "where am I?" and "why am I here?", "God is this You?" and "was this ever You?", shock to the heart. After this sixth week, things settle down, there is an acceptance of the given mission and the distance from everything you know and love. I am thankful to have heard this because now, at the end of week three, entering week four, I am super duper homesick. In a beautiful way. I am all over "ouch", I want my mama, I want hugs and hands and smiles and voices. I want to lie and say that it's only people I miss, but I, at times, think I'd give anything to get into my VW Cabrio to drive to a coffee shop on Thayer Street or Starbucks at the Biltmore just to sit and drink and read. You all want the truth, so there, it's out. I am so so so so so so so so so soooooooo weak.
Let's hurry back to the beauty in the "ouch". I am so blessed to be able to hurt for Jesus. I word it like this because I am in Africa (originally and still- as in I havent called a taxi in the middle of the night to pick me up, drive me to Kili airport to fly back into your arms) for Jesus and I miss you... I feel it all over, henceforth the "ouch". So I "ouch" for Jesus. Grace abounds in that my "ouch" is not really physical, like illness, and there is no danger either... so it's an inner heart "ouch", which leaves me safely "ouching". You get me?! and Ill say it again... If there was no "ouch", no sacrifice of any sort, this would feel false to me. I understand that walking with Jesus, moving in His will does not always involve sacrifice.... but I love that this mission does... that this heart- my heart- is broken over you and is being broken over Him... broken broken broken broken. So praise the Lord, all you who are covering me in prayer- your prayers are being answered... beautifully! (If you were to carefully examine all of my blogging so far, for sure and for certain the most used word would be "beautiful")... isnt that beautiful! (Im kidding... but it is!).
I had a day and a half today. I woke up early... and got some of my Jesus stuff done before leaving to teach. Teaching was a challenge. The boys were tired and not feeling very cooperative. I was at a loss for creative techniques and my patience was less than virtuous. After my class, there were others, one involving a field trip to the market to buy seeds, roots, leaves, and fruits. I gritted my teeth and participated- okay, it was fun. After this, I waited for meetings to be completed, then errands to be run including an hour and a half spent at the post office (the Tanzanian postal system is a bit kookoo). As I waited in the car, I began fuming... "are you serious?" and "what can possibly be taking so much time?" I decided to go inside to get to the bottom of things... feeling incredibly disrespected and stuck in my bitterness... upon entering the post office, I see boxes and boxes of gift bags opened as if searched. (Everything sent here has to go through customs.) It turned out that a girl who volunteered here a few months ago had sent christmas bags for each boy in the center. What a blessing! Gifts for the beautiful boys! Oh, how they are going to delight in these treasure. Immediately, God pretty much slapped me across the face, and the force of it ejected the bitter and self righteous attitude right out of me. I cannot believe the attitudes I choose- free will- rotten heart-

Let me pause to include you in another fabulous aspect of Africa. It is 1038pm right now... dark dark dark outside, partially because it is nighttime and the moon is basically absent here, but also because we have lost power for the fourth time today... it's okay, you get used to this... however, the gift to me right now is that the computer screen is the only light on in the whole house so every single teeny tiny, nasty, bacteria carrying, biting, yucky, they are all over my body, insect is either on the screen or on me.... all over me... oh my gosh... it's so gross... it's Africa. It becomes a part of the everyday expectancies, these bugs, but that doesn't erase the "yuck". I wish I could freeze them to the screen and post them with this so as to give you a proper account of this environment ... truly it's not a big deal-- I have made friends with the ones living in my curtains and under my sheets.
okay, back to my rotten heart...

It is rotten- my heart! Jesus is teaching me... more accurately, Jesus has placed me in the corner with my nose to the wall, forced to recite "I will learn patience" one trillion times, as He supernaturally drags me through every possible life situation that might require me to be patient. It is so Jesus. It is so trying. I appreciate it. I hate it. Well, that's extreme, I dont like it. I am irritated by it, but that response is not what He is looking for. He knows my heart, so He expects it, but He wants it out of me. I fall into this alot lately. Africa moves slower and as a missionary... as a visiting missionary, I am living on someone else's time, someone else's schedule. I am to follow. I am to submit. Submission is more than physically and verbally bowing to authority, it involves a spiritual bow, a heart bow, a humility. I am quick to irritation, quick to anger, quick to judge, slow to learn, and sloooooooow to bow. It's one thing to bow to Jesus by reading His word, spending time in the prayer closet, and serenading Him with heart songs... it is a totally other thing to bow to Jesus in services to other humans. I came to Africa with lots of expectations, all of which I knew I would need Jesus miracles to accomplish. One biggeee was that I would become a servant to all, never ceasing to do do do what needs to be done. God is good- He is forever stretching me- I can bow lower than I could before, but I am still hesitent... I am still hesitent.... I am still hesitent. I do it, but as my body and mouth serve, is my heart in service to this King and these beautiful hearts He is allowing me to touch. Will I ever fully get it- Will I ever fully give it?


To me, this is Beautiful... As you read my words... my silly words... and among them "beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beatiful" know that this is what I am speaking of. This is my definition of 'beauty', what my heart "oooooh"s and "ahhhhhhh"s over. This is the earthly, created beauty that draws from my mind, body, soul, spirit, and heart God-awe...

I am awed by this love, this desperation, this brokenness, this weakness, this dependancy, this humility, this "I will be more undignified that this" heart... for my King. He is the Creator of this beauty. He whooed her to this place and blew kisses at her and drew out of her this reaction to His touch. These photographs were taken of Mama Sinsia before, during, and after her baptism. Power- Majesty- Love- Hope- Healing- Submission. Beautiful.

joyjoyjoy

So being in this new land, my eyes are never at rest. So much new, so much color, so much challenge in capturing it all... and I love a good challenge... so click click click click... it never stops! This picture to the right is my favorite so far. Mattias, a youngMassai man took it of himself... and I love it! I am seeing so much new and I do think, at this point (Kev) that when you see the pictures "the book is going to be better than the movie/pictures" because Ive finally settled on the fact that my lack of camera knowledge and my human-ness is incapable of capturing the depth of beauty that is in this land and this people. Ive also come to realize that my eye is only captivated by the small details... the knob of the super old, rusted metal door- the sink with the cool water nozzle with the ant-covered bar of soap- the turquoise in anything- the super close up of the Massai woman's wrap. So when I post the photographs I love, as opposed to the ones I will post more for reasons of your learning where I am, you will be looking through my eyes and even more accurately, through my heart, seeing Africa through Caitlin... as opposed to what you may choose to shoot if you were on a mission. This comes as no surprise to those of you who know me.

It was my second day in Tanzania, my first day in town and I was moved by just about everything I was seeing. I wanted to shoot it all but was told that it was a good idea to ask permission before shooting, unless you could capture the image from inside the car. The car moved fast, creating challenge, but at one point we parked and I was witness to this shared moment of the working together of these two different generations happening in front of a wall of grey metal against yellow metal. There was something unique about the way the two were communicating, the tenderness between two men, a respect held by the younger for the older that is not prevelant in many cultures now a days... It was, for sure more beautiful to watch than what you see here.

These, are Gaudy, Caitlin

(in case you've forgotten me already)

and Imkia.

I live and work with these ladies.

They are beautiful and fun and they stretch me-

Thank you, Jesus!

This fabulous woman is Jill Verrier or Mama Enoch. We three up top, live in her home. The three of them in the main house, I in the guest house. She is responsible for starting the Emmanuel Center, the children's center where I am teaching. She is super real and has one of the most beautiful hearts of anyone Ive ever met. She came here when she was 21 years old, seven years ago on a missions trip and, while here began meeting and befriending street children, mostly boys. Many children here dont have parents who care properly for them or dont have parents at all. She decided that it wasnt an okay thing and with a "GO" from God, moved here and began this center. She has saved these boys lives... and that is no easy task. Each struggles to overcome the abuse-neglect-fear-abandoment he has experienced in his short lifetime, each desires to be loved, each is a young boy with all the challenges that entails. Jill does everything she can to provide for these young boys, turning men. Her heart is for raising them up to be great men of God. To meet the boys and watch the interactions is a gift. She also has two adopted children, Noella and Enoch. She is an amazing mama and friend!

Enoch Noella

Some are curious about what I am eating. I dont really eat the meats. Im not much of a meat eater at home either. Here, it is too hard for me to grasp the clucking one minute, me digesting it the next aspect of the carnivorous life. Ill eat it when my body is desperate for those things.... but for the most part, nope. Also there is a new disease that is effecting this area of Tanzania... begun in buffalo and cows and goats but spread through mosquitos. It will kill you if you catch it and so I have decided to ixnayon the eatmay- you get me. I eat lots of rice, potatoes, other cooked vegetables, lots of indian foods, sometime pizza but it's not like ours. I drink alot of tea and every so often a coca cola. Lots of water. And, nope, I havent gained weight yet, I actually lost some more.... not enough to worry over- loved ones... Im incredibly healthy! I feel really good

THis is dirty rice and chicken... I didnt eat the chicken

This picture to the left is of a bathroom in one of the Indian food restraunts... yummy ahloo ghobi... but the restroom made me laugh. As I am here more, I continue to notice such blatent differences between here and there. There isnt a shot of it posted but the mens room and the ladies room are right next to each other... and the amazing feature of these bathrooms is that there is wall- of course, but it is only about 11 feet high, then there is a 4 foot open space between the top of the wall and the ceiling.... can you imagine, going to the bathroom at Chili's, hearing the men doing there thing next to you. It's wierd... but very Africa. Oh, also, the towel in the picture... also, very Africa. There are No, none, not any paper towels. Put to bed any ideas of waving your delicate hands under the automatic paper towel machine, instantly providing you with a sterile, new, fresh, clean paper towel. Everyone uses the same one, too. Im all for "when in ROme" but there are a few things that I most likely wont submit to here. Most of us, Mazungu, just air dry.

Okay, the picture below is of my cho... yup... you can figure out the "how to's" of using it on your own. It's actually quite easy to become accustomed to.

The picture to the right is my shower. I dig this shower. It is huge and I never touch the sides of it when Im in it- which sketches me out in smaller showers. I share it with a few lizards, but they stick to the walls and have promised that they avert their eyes when necessary so we're okay with one another.