Beauty from ashes

.....................................................................Mama Sinsia
.....................................................................Beautiful
.....................................................................like, WOW
.....................................................................Beautiful

I was once told that in missions, long term missions, the first three weeks are all "wow" and "look at that", shock and surprise to all the senses. The following three weeks (weeks four, five, and six) are about "where am I?" and "why am I here?", "God is this You?" and "was this ever You?", shock to the heart. After this sixth week, things settle down, there is an acceptance of the given mission and the distance from everything you know and love. I am thankful to have heard this because now, at the end of week three, entering week four, I am super duper homesick. In a beautiful way. I am all over "ouch", I want my mama, I want hugs and hands and smiles and voices. I want to lie and say that it's only people I miss, but I, at times, think I'd give anything to get into my VW Cabrio to drive to a coffee shop on Thayer Street or Starbucks at the Biltmore just to sit and drink and read. You all want the truth, so there, it's out. I am so so so so so so so so so soooooooo weak.
Let's hurry back to the beauty in the "ouch". I am so blessed to be able to hurt for Jesus. I word it like this because I am in Africa (originally and still- as in I havent called a taxi in the middle of the night to pick me up, drive me to Kili airport to fly back into your arms) for Jesus and I miss you... I feel it all over, henceforth the "ouch". So I "ouch" for Jesus. Grace abounds in that my "ouch" is not really physical, like illness, and there is no danger either... so it's an inner heart "ouch", which leaves me safely "ouching". You get me?! and Ill say it again... If there was no "ouch", no sacrifice of any sort, this would feel false to me. I understand that walking with Jesus, moving in His will does not always involve sacrifice.... but I love that this mission does... that this heart- my heart- is broken over you and is being broken over Him... broken broken broken broken. So praise the Lord, all you who are covering me in prayer- your prayers are being answered... beautifully! (If you were to carefully examine all of my blogging so far, for sure and for certain the most used word would be "beautiful")... isnt that beautiful! (Im kidding... but it is!).
I had a day and a half today. I woke up early... and got some of my Jesus stuff done before leaving to teach. Teaching was a challenge. The boys were tired and not feeling very cooperative. I was at a loss for creative techniques and my patience was less than virtuous. After my class, there were others, one involving a field trip to the market to buy seeds, roots, leaves, and fruits. I gritted my teeth and participated- okay, it was fun. After this, I waited for meetings to be completed, then errands to be run including an hour and a half spent at the post office (the Tanzanian postal system is a bit kookoo). As I waited in the car, I began fuming... "are you serious?" and "what can possibly be taking so much time?" I decided to go inside to get to the bottom of things... feeling incredibly disrespected and stuck in my bitterness... upon entering the post office, I see boxes and boxes of gift bags opened as if searched. (Everything sent here has to go through customs.) It turned out that a girl who volunteered here a few months ago had sent christmas bags for each boy in the center. What a blessing! Gifts for the beautiful boys! Oh, how they are going to delight in these treasure. Immediately, God pretty much slapped me across the face, and the force of it ejected the bitter and self righteous attitude right out of me. I cannot believe the attitudes I choose- free will- rotten heart-

Let me pause to include you in another fabulous aspect of Africa. It is 1038pm right now... dark dark dark outside, partially because it is nighttime and the moon is basically absent here, but also because we have lost power for the fourth time today... it's okay, you get used to this... however, the gift to me right now is that the computer screen is the only light on in the whole house so every single teeny tiny, nasty, bacteria carrying, biting, yucky, they are all over my body, insect is either on the screen or on me.... all over me... oh my gosh... it's so gross... it's Africa. It becomes a part of the everyday expectancies, these bugs, but that doesn't erase the "yuck". I wish I could freeze them to the screen and post them with this so as to give you a proper account of this environment ... truly it's not a big deal-- I have made friends with the ones living in my curtains and under my sheets.
okay, back to my rotten heart...

It is rotten- my heart! Jesus is teaching me... more accurately, Jesus has placed me in the corner with my nose to the wall, forced to recite "I will learn patience" one trillion times, as He supernaturally drags me through every possible life situation that might require me to be patient. It is so Jesus. It is so trying. I appreciate it. I hate it. Well, that's extreme, I dont like it. I am irritated by it, but that response is not what He is looking for. He knows my heart, so He expects it, but He wants it out of me. I fall into this alot lately. Africa moves slower and as a missionary... as a visiting missionary, I am living on someone else's time, someone else's schedule. I am to follow. I am to submit. Submission is more than physically and verbally bowing to authority, it involves a spiritual bow, a heart bow, a humility. I am quick to irritation, quick to anger, quick to judge, slow to learn, and sloooooooow to bow. It's one thing to bow to Jesus by reading His word, spending time in the prayer closet, and serenading Him with heart songs... it is a totally other thing to bow to Jesus in services to other humans. I came to Africa with lots of expectations, all of which I knew I would need Jesus miracles to accomplish. One biggeee was that I would become a servant to all, never ceasing to do do do what needs to be done. God is good- He is forever stretching me- I can bow lower than I could before, but I am still hesitent... I am still hesitent.... I am still hesitent. I do it, but as my body and mouth serve, is my heart in service to this King and these beautiful hearts He is allowing me to touch. Will I ever fully get it- Will I ever fully give it?


To me, this is Beautiful... As you read my words... my silly words... and among them "beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beatiful" know that this is what I am speaking of. This is my definition of 'beauty', what my heart "oooooh"s and "ahhhhhhh"s over. This is the earthly, created beauty that draws from my mind, body, soul, spirit, and heart God-awe...

I am awed by this love, this desperation, this brokenness, this weakness, this dependancy, this humility, this "I will be more undignified that this" heart... for my King. He is the Creator of this beauty. He whooed her to this place and blew kisses at her and drew out of her this reaction to His touch. These photographs were taken of Mama Sinsia before, during, and after her baptism. Power- Majesty- Love- Hope- Healing- Submission. Beautiful.