A: my taking flight

My departure, my take off, my leaving, my exit (for the time being), my"goodnight" not "goodbye", my taking flight.... yes, my taking flight- up, more upward towards Him, into His arms of Love, His growth for me, His wisdom, HIs understanding, His Judgement, His truth, His Light, His LIfe, His will for me. Yummmmm to all of it-

Okay so my taking flight... involved much motion and commotion. Beginning with the drama of me... oh, the drama of me. I was in heavy warfare over doing what He was calling me to... my spirit willing, my heart weak. then there's all the normal moves involved with international travel... money, tickets, visas, flights, cabs, hotels, free spots to slumber (?), walking alot alot alot, more flying, more walking, lots of inner commotion- emotional commotion, and destination (then more and more and more).
As my trip was beginning, my wings practice flapping, I remained in a place of "God, I know this is You. I need your great Grace... now!" I was in Boston at Logan Airport. Mama had just dumped me on the curb and driven quickly away... Im kidding, Im just trying to deeply pound into you my then feelings of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." Mama was actually perfect- driving me, hugs, kisses for Kissees (that's me), and words of Love finishing with "Ill see you right here in three months!"

I dragged my huge- beautiful (but what does that matter in the grand scheme of things) suitcase into the HUGE, sterile, rather blank, bustling (with people who i didnt know and most certainly didnt know me) (drama drama drama) transportation station- paid to ship me to some far off lands! Not cool (but soooooooooo cool!) I found my British Airways ticket station, waited, was paid attention to, gladly handed over that huge (beautiful) suitcase, and walked off- just me and my backpack and me and just me and just me. Through the security pass points... beep beep beep, of course. I always beep! always! maybe it's the metal plates in my head (for real, there are some) but that's rediculous and so not the reason. I just always manage to forget to remove my belt from around my waist or nail clippers from my pocket (which are, of course, taken from me for security sake. I lost a treasured set of nail clippers this way in British Colombia-- pink with a rainbow and unicorn- I think Im not quite over it yet!) So beep beep beep... I had already stripped off all layers- waaaay too many layers... jacket off, dress off, belt off, shoes off, pockets emptied, remove necklaces and earings and rings... left with only a thin layer of fitted white turtle neck and my fitted jeans- I passed the beep test and was admitted through. Now a part of the "safe" ones entrusted to travel our skies- deemed "not a threat" to country, all I had left to do was wait. Mama wanted to make sure I was on time... early early early. This is a mama thing and she's pretty much the best mama ever ever ever. So, here I am, on the "safe one's only" side of the HUGE, sterile, rather blank, bustling transportation station- though it is less bustling on this end bc those present are seated, drinking coffee, eating their new-bought treats, chatting (face to face or via cell phone), or reading something... in other words, kept busy- lazily busy.

With my spare time I decide to take the advise of my brilliant step mom, Elizabeth, which was to trade my USD for pounds in the states, before arriving in London. I set off to find a currency exchange. It took only moments to find, but I remained there for well over an hour. The young man opperating the station was indian and very friendly. He carried himself with confidence, had much to say and many questions. Our conversation began with dollars and pounds but quickly shifted to weighter subjects (did you pick up on that clever wording, "pounds" to "weight"... yeah, it's all for flow!) He asked where I was going and why and I told him that I was to be in London for five nights but that the marrow of this mission was my treading on Tanzanian soil- as a missionary. "Oh, so you're going to convert people?!" I smiled... huuuuuuuuuge, and even chuckled, I think... "ummmm, yeah, well... I've never had someone say it so blatently. Yes, that is why Im going. My job will be to teach young boys, but Im in Love with Jesus and I plan to share that with others and if they are open to Loving Him too then that's amazing... and the point. So, Yes." From there he told me about his best friend who was also a strong believer who shared his Love for Jesus with him often. He asked questions and I let Jesus answer him through me. It was pretty rad! Jesus came and I got to experience one of those light-as-air, Light-on-my-face, joy-to-overflowing moments. He heard the Lord, I beleive. He grew up Hindu but is not practicing currently. He sort of flows with everyone flowing in which way they feel is right for them. He commented that "everyone thinks their god is God. How can one know? How can just one group be right? Id rather not associate with any one religion."

I told him that "I, also, believe that my God is God. Im too smart to waste my time living my life for a God I dont really believe is real. I believe what I believe not because mom and dad and pastor say i should but bc I have lived this believe. I know this God, my Jesus. He has shown Himself to me." I then went on to say that "when the end comes... and it will come, this world will pass away, and only one of us will will survive, remain,be right, will continue on and not go to hell." I suggested that this young, lost heart, "check Jesus out. Give Him a chance to show Himself to you. If He's not real (which I promise you He is) then nothing will change, but when you experience that He is real, your entire life will change. You will know true Life."
He was open.
Seeds.
Do not despise small beginnings.
Seeds.
No plant, no beautiful flower, no magnifiscent tree becomes what it was intended to be, without first starting as a seed.
Seeds.
This divine appointment was a seed for me, too.
In all my willing but weak, God was ever present, revealing to me His greater purpose for this mission.
Seeds.
I left this heart contact all elated and bolder...
Amen...
Bolder...
Amen!
But it's so rad, bc it's all Him... my mouth opens and stuff comes out but it's only all good when it's all God!
I am saved by Grace through Faith- Him Him Him... so good when it's all God!
It was an hour before my take off...
but, in Jesus, I was already in flight.
flap flap flap floooooooooooat
flap flap flap floooooooooooooat
action action action Jesus
action action action Jesus
...
I sat down, bolder but still feeling left, dumped on a corner to await being swept away.
I brought out my Sharpie markers and began to draw my feelings... with words.
Okay so they were sad, sappy, drab, dribbles- sort of formed like love poems to Jesus-
inspired by and through my lonely, willing but weak heart.

... sample below...
(remember the state of mass trama and drama i was in. oh, and also that im a girl)
...
Love, Actually
I am God's.
I choose Him over and over... Forever.
I see life as moments given to me to give back to Him in service, love, touch, words, sacrifice...
to the point of even pain, even joy, even tears of pain and joy--
I am a missionary, in this season, for such a time as this.
I love this.
I am so honored by this title- this marking of me as the King's servant- His.
I can imagine my whole life going to the nations, doing His will.
I am willing.
I am in love with Love.
I am also in love with love.
I want so desperately to be in love and in loved.
I ache for it. I cry for it. I hurt over it not being right now.
Purhaps this is my sacrifice.
For now, for sure.
... January 24, 2007

recap:
all is true,
but my heart has been adjusted.
I still love LOVE just all the more
and
I still love love but now submitted all the more under His will.
... April 13, 2007